


Not Fine

by justdk



Series: Andreil Week 2018 [4]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicide mention, references to self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 09:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15216134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justdk/pseuds/justdk
Summary: Something is wrong with Andrew and Neil is determined to find a way to help him





	Not Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Andreil Week 2018, Day 4: Mental Health
> 
> Also to answer a prompt: i know youre going on vacation, but if you have the time could you write andriel and 14 maybe?
> 
> 14: “Hey, I’m with you, okay? Always.”

Neil had naively thought that Andrew did not have “bad days.” He didn’t know why Andrew bothered with Betsy Dobson. Andrew wasn’t sick, he wasn’t psycho, he was _fine_. Neil told himself this, told the team this when they called Andrew crazy. He had seen Andrew face down the absolute worst and come out the other side changed, of course, but sane and steady.

Andrew was fine.

Until he wasn’t.

Neil shared a room with Andrew now, which meant no privacy for either of them. Neil didn’t mind that. In fact he liked knowing where Andrew was at all times, he liked having him close. He would never tell Andrew but he found it comforting, like his days on the run with his mother, both of them sticking so close to each other that it was almost suffocating. With Andrew always nearby Neil could relax.

Andrew could not.

At first Neil didn’t notice that anything was wrong. Andrew would disappear for hours at a time and Neil assumed he was with Renee or maybe doing something for class. He didn’t ask because he wasn’t going to be _that_ boyfriend. Andrew was the same when they were together, quiet but engaged. They still kissed and did other things. It was good.

The nightmares weren’t a surprise. Neil dealt with them, too. It was normal. When you went through shit it would revisit you when your defenses were down. Normal.

Then Andrew missed practice.

Wymack brushed off Kevin and Neil’s concerns. Andrew wasn’t feeling well. Bee was seeing to it. Neil couldn’t figure out why Bee was helping Andrew instead of Abby. Andrew didn’t spend the night in the dorms that night or for the rest of the week. He made it to practice but wasn’t interested in talking, not even when Neil asked, practically begged, him to have a smoke break. Andrew played the game on Friday and he was perfect. Neil didn’t understand. Was Andrew sick?

They went to Eden’s after the game. Andrew had a couple extra shots and disappeared for a while. Neil minded the table and Kevin but he was anxious without Andrew. When Nicky drifted back for another round Neil went searching for Andrew.

He found him out back sitting on the ground, his knees drawn up and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. Several cigarette butts littered the pavement next to him. He was flicking his lighter on and off, his eyes glazed. Neil didn’t know what to do. Something was wrong. Andrew was hiding from him like an injured animal afraid to show weakness… no, not _like_ , that was exactly what was happening.

Neil sat next to Andrew and held his hand out for the lighter. Andrew passed it over without comment and sucked on his cigarette. Neil held the warm plastic in his fist and stared at Andrew’s profile, wishing this was easier. They had told each other so many things but this was delicate territory; any time Neil had tried to broach the subject of Andrew’s recovery he was met with stony silence.

“I want to know,” Neil said, his voice quiet. The words hung in the night air.

“Know what?” Andrew asked. He didn’t sound like he wanted to talk about it.

“Why you’re hiding from me. Why you went away this week. Why you were with Bee.”

Andrew tossed his cigarette away, the tip still smoldering orange in the dark. He didn’t say anything but he did stretch his legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankle.

If this was some sort of silent standoff Neil was determined to win. He could outlast Andrew.

He didn’t last two minutes.

“Andrew.” Neil moved around so he was facing his boyfriend, kneeling on the warm asphalt. He reached a hand out, wanting to touch Andrew’s face, and let it hang a couple inches away while he waited for permission. Andrew stared at him dully for a moment and then nodded. Neil felt a little of his anxiety crumble away. He closed that distance and cupped Andrew’s cheek in his hand. It made him remember that they hadn’t kissed all week, practically an eternity.

Neil rubbed his thumb over Andrew’s jaw, moved his hand lower until he could feel the steady pulse in Andrew’s neck. He had known for some time that he would never love anyone the way he loved Andrew. It hurt to realize how much he still didn’t know him, how even though he had been allowed past so many of Andrew’s walls there were still more shielding his heart.

“I don’t know what’s happening,” Neil tried again. “I want to understand. I want to help.”

Andrew’s pulse jumped a bit but his expression remained unchanged. He reached up and wrapped his fingers around Neil’s wrist but he didn’t push him away. Andrew studied him, as if determining whether or not Neil was capable of handling his secrets.

“Some days…” Andrew’s voice trailed off. His lips twisted like he had tasted something bitter. “Some days I want to die.”

Neil held himself perfectly still even though it felt like someone had shoved him off a cliff and he was falling, falling.

“I don’t act on those impulses anymore,” Andrew said. Neil’s gaze flicked to Andrew’s wrist, covered by his armband and jean jacket. “But sometimes I can barely function.”

Neil couldn’t remember a time last year, when it felt like death was only a breath away, that Andrew had not shown up. Other than when he was confined at Easthaven. Neil shut his eyes. _Fuck_.

“Before I could lock Kevin out of the room and shut down. I don’t even think he noticed.”

Neil understood what Andrew wasn’t saying: he couldn’t lock Neil out; he couldn’t shut down with Neil around. It was terrible to think that he was burdening Andrew.

“What can I do?” Neil asked. “I don’t want you to leave or be alone when you feel like that.”

“I wasn’t alone,” Andrew corrected. “I was with Bee.”

Obviously Bee was a better choice, she was a professional in dealing with mental health but still.

“Andrew.” Neil crawled closer until his face was inches away from Andrew’s. It was impossible to read Andrew’s expression, despite having spent hours studying him. It was perfectly blank. Neil didn’t know what to do. When he was feeling lost Andrew always brought him back with a hand on the back of his neck and a firm command to pay attention to him, to let him shoulder Neil’s problems. Could he do that for Andrew? More importantly, would Andrew let him?

Neil slipped his fingers into Andrew’s hair and leaned in until their foreheads nearly touched. He inhaled Andrew’s scent and the lingering smell of cigarette smoke. His heart ached and he tried to channel that into his voice. He wanted to reach Andrew, to let him know that he was there, that Andrew didn’t have to carry these burdens on his own.

“Hey, Andrew,” his voice sounded rougher than usual. He cleared his throat. “I’m with you, okay?” He tugged at Andrew’s hair, dipped his head down and whispered into his ear, “Always.”

Andrew’s answering sigh was so quiet Neil almost missed it. But he couldn’t miss the hand Andrew placed on his lower back or Andrew bumping his forehead against Neil’s.

“I know.” Andrew’s fingers tightened, pulling at Neil’s shirt. It was a small gesture, a small concession, but for Andrew it was huge.

Neil placed his other hand on the back of Andrew’s head and held him. He didn’t realize he was crying until Andrew pointed out, “You’re leaking.”

“Oh.” Neil sniffed and swiped at the tears. He blinked a couple times and looked at Andrew, hoping that his tears hadn’t messed up their progress.

Andrew sat forward and kissed Neil’s cheek, right over his scars. “Salty,” he commented. Then, “I’ll be okay.”

Neil swallowed hard and took Andrew’s hand in his. “We’re in this together.”

Andrew nodded. “Together.”


End file.
